The Alternative Top 5 Hospital Bag Essentials

If it's your first birth, and you have carefully researched your hospital bag contents, you'd better order 2 cabs to get you to the hospital. Once you've wrestled the suitcases, pillows, yoga mat, the first 15 pages of your Birth Plan, aromatherapy set, doula and giant exercise ball into the back, there's not much room for the swearing maniac insisting on doing the journey on all fours.

Watched in pursed-lipped silence by the cabbie who wishes he'd taken the call to the drunken stag do (we were warned by the hospital not to tell cab firms you were in labour), the perspiring dad-to-be will be diligently trying to stretch a seat belt around his foul-mouthed Significant Other and double-checking the only part of the packing he was allowed responsibilty for (Ipod with carefully selected playlist plus speakers).

So here's the alternative hospital list:

1. A really good foundation and mascara. There is simply nothing worse than panda eyes and a blotchy complexion in the post-birth photos. Your partner will have e-mailed these to everyone in his Hotmail address book before you've made it to the shower. (If you're using the birth pool, remember the mascara needs to be waterproof). And whatever you do, make sure you vet those photos if David Bailey spent any time at the 'business end'. There are certain images of you your boss would prefer not to carry with him to his grave.

2. A portable games console for the dad-to-be. This will stop him interrupting your tranquil self-induced hypnotic state. Only joking (sorry). Bring a selection of torture implements. For some reason being pummelled helps the pain, and if it doesn't you can use them on Him.

For after the birth:

3. A very large selection of dried fruit and the plastic jug from the jumbo boxes of washing powder. Don't ask why you should pack these, just do it. All will become clear.

4. A very good quality eye mask and ear plugs. Useful for daytime naps on the postnatal ward. Even more useful for avoiding unwanted visitors (unless they bring food. Always welcome).

5. Loose fitting yoga wear. No you won't be forced to do postnatal Ashtanga (unless you've just given birth in St John's Wood). Start as you mean to go on. Start sleeping in yoga wear and you won't be caught answering your frontdoor in your pyjamas at 4pm. (In fact they'll think you've just done postnatal Ashtanga. Impressive.).

The Unwelcome House Guest

Are you blissfully childfree and bemoaning how little you see of friends since they've had children? Don't. Really, just don't.

As we lumber our way up the motorway in a vehicle that's little short of a coach, we pass an enormous Winnebago towing a car. "Look" says Husband (with a little too much enthusiasm). "They're taking a car with them to use at their destination."

"Hmm" I think. "A couple on a weekend away with a new baby more like".

Glancing behind, our own brood are obscured from view by: an enormous bag of clothes; the bag of things that didn't fit in the first bag; 2 blow up beds; the travel cot; 2 scooters and associated helmets; a double buggy; a train set; a cool box packed with food; an astronaut costume (age 2-4); a laptop and DVDs; winter coats and sun cream; a large picnic rug; and a travel potty (thank God for the travel potty...the 2 year has unilaterally decided to un-toilet train himself and we're up to 3 changes of clothes a day.)

For us: excessive amounts of fine wine; toothbrush.

You need to be exceptionally well prepared if you're staying overnight in a fully equipped house in surburban Surrey, 0.25 miles from the nearest Sainsbury's superstore.

The sat nav informs us we've arrived at our destination, so we phone to find out how to get to the house. We park on the drive, our vehicle obscuring all light from the bottom half of the house.

On arrival we are given the proud tour of the newly refurbished residence, with its freshly painted vanilla walls, new beige sofas and the sort of cream carpets which cause people to instinctively remove their shoes on entry.

Thankfully for all concerned we start drinking immediately, the kids are on best behaviour and we pretty much manage to keep to our "3 Strikes And You're Out Rule". (This rule allows 3 unsolicited comments about your own children before you're politely asked to leave). At some point someone must sedate the children as their raucous awakening is delayed until 7.50am the next morning.

Shortly after breakfast the 2 year old has his first accident of the day and is frog-marched upstairs to be cleaned up. Undressing him, Husband looks at me. "Where's the poo?"

"What do you mean, where's the poo?", I reply. "Sally said it was in his trousers".

"Well it's not here now" he says, waving a small pair of tartan pyjama bottoms at me. "We have to find it!"

I trawl the newly laid floors and carpets, retracing the 2 yr old's steps, casually investigating any suspiciously dark wood grain with my toe and humming to avoid detection.

After 10 fruitless minutes I have to 'fess up to our hospitable hostess.

"Sally, I'm afraid we've lost a poo..."



http://www.milkhoney.co.uk/

How To: Take Shopping Off Your List

Whether your life is about to be turned on it's head or not, traipsing around supermarkets looking for washing powder is rarely in our Top 10 List of "Ways I'd Like to Spend my Free Time".

I got into online shopping after the arrival of number 2. All the major supermarkets offer home delivery services now, but if you're keen to support independent businesses here are some great finds, and they can all be accessed from the comfort of your sofa. Put your feet up. Let's go shopping:

- Household cleaning & toiletries: Bulk buying is normally an option only available to businesses, but Ecotopia have a whole section dedicated to 5 litre containers of everything from shampoo and conditioner, to floor cleaner and washing up liquid. It's all environmentally-friendly, and because you simply refill your existing containers, you can cross recycling tonnes of plastic bottles off your to-do list too. Great if you have the storage. www.ecotopia.co.uk

- Washing Powder: Balls to you! Eco balls, that is. For £30 you get three little UFO-type objects that last up to 1,000 washes. That means you can cross washing powder off your list for years. Another fave of mine are soap pods. These really shouldn't work, but they do. We changed over because normal detergents were irritating our little girl's skin, but we've saved a fortune. Both are available from Ecotopia. (Stock up on essential oils too for deliciously-smelling clothes!)

- Milk & Dairy: Give your milkman some lovin'! Old-fashioned glass milk bottles are back in fashion. I must admit, I also take comfort in the fact that some other poor sod is up at 5am. www.findmeamilkman.net allows you to find a local milkman.

- Tins & Storecupboard items: Abel & Cole are pretty much nationwide. Their organic veg boxes have mixed reviews (probably because they're sourced locally and the quality varies by supplier), and the boxes can seem expensive. However, they have a MASSIVE website with a huge selection of other foods. Dairy, bread, tinned tomatoes and beans, pastas, pies, cheese, meats, soups... they'll leave your order in chiller boxes on your doorstep so as long as you don't live in a neighbourhood populated by thieving little buggers, you don't need to be in for your delivery. www.abelandcole.co.uk

- Meat & Fish: Farmers Choice deliver a wide selection of meat and fish, frozen for freshness, to your door. I prefer to use our local butcher for meat (he sings really badly), but they're great for fish. www.farmerschoice.co.uk

- Fruit & Veg: For local suppliers of veg box schemes try www.freerangereview.com. They list local schemes, as well as local farmers' markets and food producers. Just plug in your postcode for a list.

Rose
Milk & Honey Organics

Pregnancy Boredom?

"What's THAT?" cried the woman sitting next to me. She was pointing at the large bump now hovering at head height.

The owner of the bump, an acquaintance she clearly hadn't seen for a while, obligingly pulled up her top to display the taut skin and protruding belly button of an 8 month+ pregnancy. (Thank God, I thought. That could have gone either way).

"How are you?", questioned pointy finger woman.

"Fine. Bored.", replied Bump. "3 more weeks still to go".

"Bored!", I thought. And I started to make a mental list of all the things I wish I'd done in the 3 weeks before Chaos Mk 1 (Mk2 and Mk3) arrived. So here it is:

1. Read books. Lots of books. And not Gina Ford type books. Real books, in a massive bout of book bulimia. (Three children and four years on, and I haven't made it past page 6 of any book).

2. Go to the cinema. Go until you're sick of it, because when it costs £25 in babysitting charges before you step outside your front door, chances are you won't be taking a punt on the latest Will Smith flick. And while you're at it, sign up with your local video library or lovefilm.com.

3. Pack in as many lazy all-day Sunday lunches as possible, armed with numerous newspapers.

4. Have as many lie-ins as possible. Even if you're not in the slightest bit tired. Relish every hour you're allowed to remain horizontal past 5am.

5. Get your hair styled, book a manicure and get a pedicure (if you can remember where your feet are).


On the plus side, you're 3 weeks away from:

1. Being able to sleep on your stomach again.

2. Not having to plan every outing around loo stops.

3. Being able to paint your own toe nails.

However one thing guarantees a quick end to luxuriating in your last couple of weeks of freedom: carefully scheduled plans.

Rose

www.milkhoney.co.uk

Kate Bush was right. Dads don't have it all easy.

I do feel sorry for dads. They get a congratulatory slap on the back and knowing wink when a pregnancy is announced. Then they retreat into the shadows while attention is heaped on the growing bump and the person carrying it.

Once the baby's born, they smile patiently as someone (normally a woman) congratulates them with a "although you didn't have to do any of the hard work, did you?"

Well in some ways a father's lot is harder. No, they don't have the sickness. Or the tiredness. They aren't stuck with numerous needles for frequent blood tests. And they don't suffer any of the pain and indignity of birth. In fact much of the pregnancy and birth process leaves fathers hovering at the periphery. They may be accepted in the ultrasound and delivery suite, but they must often feel their most important role is simply not getting in the way.

But way before getting to the delivery suite, hormones and anxiety can be a potent mix in a relationship, making living with PMT seem like a fun day out....and for months on end. The seeming irrationality of your intelligent, beautiful partner can be difficult to live with. And I don't believe that test results are any less eagerly awaited by the non-pregnant partner in the relationship.

Most men are startlingly ignorant about what happens during and after pregnancy and almost certainly ill-prepared. Morning sickness, inexplicable tiredness, joint pain and depression can be unexpected and unwanted house guests. No one's warned them how battered and bruised their partner might be after the birth, or told them that something as supposedly natural as breastfeeding might leave their partner in floods of tears.

And that's before we get to any discussion about anxiety the father may be feeling about his impending role: fears about finances, the responsibility of feeding and housing a family, the loss of freedom and the immense sacrifices that are going to have to be made. (Not until you've had the baby, and sometimes not until quite some time after, will those sacrifices seem irrelevant).

There's an awful lot of pressure on men to participate in the birth, but to watch the person you love most in the world going through childbirth must be terrifying. Anyone who's had a baby will relate to Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work" which conjures up the image of the father witnessing his child's birth, petrified of losing his adored wife. While the pain and fear is often forgotten in moments by the mother (thank you, hormones) the images and sounds must stick in the father's mind forever.

I don't regret my partner missing the birth of his third child one bit. He does, but I know that if he'd been there as they shouted for the consultant to "get in here immediately", and witnessed them wrestling me onto my side trying to "get this baby out NOW" he'd have never forgotten it. I was on another planet; it had no impact on me at all. (Our baby was absolutely fine, peeing immediately on the paediatrician).

One of the things my partner found hard was having to leave us both at the hospital and return home to an empty house. After the chaos of all the preparations, those few days can seem quiet and lonely. If you're used to cooking and eating together, it can seem pointless preparing a meal-for-one. Out come the crisps. Some blokes won't eat a proper meal for days.

So while men don't have the pain and stitches to contend with, I do think the emotional roller-coaster they unwittingly bought a ticket for can be a tough and sometimes terrifying one, and one that's frequently over-looked.

Rose
http://www.milkhoney.co.uk/
Milk & Honey Organics

A plea for second-time mums!

Old hands? Far from it. Second pregnancies can bring added anxiety for a mum-to-be.

Fear isn't reserved for the first-time mum. A difficult first pregnancy, long or complicated first labours, those first shocking few weeks of sleep deprivation and difficulty breastfeeding. All those can come back to haunt second-timers.

Doing it all again, exercerbated by the presence of a toddler with a shiny new chip on his or her shoulder? It can seem like a daunting prospect particularly if it's laced with a sense of disappointment with the first pregnancy or birth.

Then there may be changes in financial circumstances, the leaving of a career, and the logistical issues of managing 2 small children.

Well the good and bad news for second-timers is that, like the disclaimer on investment products, past experience is no guarantee of future performance. Each pregnancy and labour can be - and frequently is -totally different.

On the plus side, horrendous symptoms like morning sickness can simply fail to appear second time around. The birth is generally easier. Natural births tend to be shorter and smoother. If the first birth ended in emergency c-section, the second will be calmly scheduled. And breastfeeding, even for those who had real difficulty first time, can be bearable...then easy....then actually enjoyable (although that can be hard to believe on day 2).

And as for the baby, each one arrives with its own perfectly individual personality. A recalcitrant first baby who refused to sleep for 18 months can be followed by an angel baby who is happily sleeping through at 8 weeks. Same parents, same techniques, different baby.

However some things will be much harder.

Let's start with the tiredness, because tiredness doesn't start once the baby's arrived. Women get tired for many reasons during pregnancy: low iron levels, frequent night-time trips to the bathroom, the effort required carrying extra weight... Add a toddler up several nights in a row teething and it's not long before it can seem unbearable. Many women at that point will wonder how they'll ever cope when the actual baby arrives.

When the baby does arrive, one of the hardest things to cope with is realising, having been up twice in the night, that you can't sleep during the day if you're looking after another child.

And while the birth may have been easier, recovery is harder if you're chasing around after a toddler and feeling physically exhausted.

So what can friends & family do?

• Don't assume a second-time mum is gliding through pregnancy blissfully confident. They may not have their head in countless contradictory baby books this time, but every milestone and test result will be anxiously awaited. Let them know you're there to listen.
• Do anticipate the tiredness. They will be much more tired than the first time around. Most women are useless at asking for help. Make time for them to rest.
• Do make time for them to indulge and pamper themselves. Once the new baby arrives, they'll rarely have a moment to themselves.
• Do look for practical ways to help. Filling the freezer with portions of food may not seem very exciting, but it can be incredibly helpful for the mum who's too tired to feed herself properly.
• Don't assume they have someone who can look after the elder child during the birth. Even if they do, offer to be on the reserve list for 3am phone calls.

Once the baby is born:

• Do mark the occasion as you would the arrival of a first child. Even if it's just to send a card. A recent second-time mom told me she received only 9 cards from friends and family. New parents love to keep momentos and messages sent by friends and family, so don't just rely on a text message or e-mail.
• Don't visit for too long unless you're the one making the tea, or helping with cooking, cleaning or laundry.
• Don't ask "Is there anything I can do?".
• Do ask "What can I do?".

Rose

Milk & Honey Organics

http://www.milkhoney.co.uk/